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Tuesday, 18 November 2008

from me

It's great to see this place so alive. I think we're getting more and more used to the fact that our lives have moved on, and this blog has become a place through which we can only hope to stay in touch.

I don't really like talking about army life. But anyway, for the sake of updating you guys, no, I'm not a third sergeant in BMT like Yongzi's list suggested. Somehow I'm in the most chiong-sua wing of the army, the Infantry, and I'm a section commander here. Now's lull period while we wait for the enlistees to come in December and take them through the life cycle of a rifleman; next year will be a hell of a year which will culminate in Brunei and the much-awaited, much-anticipated ORD. Don't really want to say which unit I'm in; you can ask me personally if you want, I just don't want random people from my unit searching and somehow stumbling onto this blog and consequently, my blog. I really prefer keeping my army and civilian (okay, I don't like the word civilian too, because it's just such an army word. ie. when you're a civilian walking the streets, you don't think you're a civilian at all. You just are one.) worlds apart.

About why I don't like talking about army life. I think I've gone through the entire cycle of emotions you can experience when it comes to the military. I've been excited about the army, sian about it, hated it to the core, been really disappointed in it, angry with it and scared of it. I've experienced incredible joy and fun here; I've also gone through despair and desolateness, all in the army. Somehow ever since I got my third sergeant rank three months ago I've just felt strangely detached from everything. Feelings and emotions become easier to suppress, hide. I don't really get excited or happy about anything in army anymore; neither do I get terribly sad or sian - I just feel a void within me where those emotions should have been. Sometimes it feels like I'm already above it all, in a kind of tranquility, unaffected by all the things going on in the army. But of course occasionally I do get worked up too. Yeah, so if you ask me 'how's life in army?' or questions as such, it's a bit hard for me to reply. It's not shiong, it's not fun, it's not sian, it's not terrible. I just don't really feel anything anymore.

It's a very stark contrast to my life on the Outside. When I come out of camp, I begin reclaiming back those emotions that used to be a very important part of me. I think I'm learning more and discovering more about myself each day I'm outside of camp. The thing about booking-out is that it's so short, it makes you ponder what you really enjoy most in life, and consequently what you should do during this time. Some time ago I realised that, and stopped packing my weekends full with all sorts of gatherings, movie sessions and dinner outings. I still enjoy them, but I realise after a weekend packed full of such stuff, I don't feel wholesome, I don't feel super recharged, I don't feel a huge sense of fulfillment. Sure, it's fun, but after that? I'm getting in touch with my introverted side as well, and finding pleasure doing other kinds of stuff.

Dreaming up lots of plans for post-ORD. I kind of want to be a lazy bum, and not go to work at all. I'm seriously considering backpacking for an extended period of time, say six months. With friends for part of the way and alone for part of the way. Maybe through seeing more of the world, I can see more into myself at the same time. I don't see any other time period in the forseeable future when I'd be able to take so much time off and just do what I want with my life, the way I want it. So post-ORD's definitely going to be a big thing for me. Get in touch with me if you have similarly idealistic thoughts. Haha.

Kai Herng


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